I've just found a letter I wrote to you, not quite a year after I lost you. I'm crying, sobbing with emotion, the emotion of losing you. I have lived without you, there no choice but to continue as I had three children who needed me. There was Ben, our Ben, who I share with you, how could I leave him alone? Hannah who was four years old, at that point she was considered globally delayed, my darling girl, how could I leave her? lastly there was Tim, my beautiful boy, he was two years old, little more than a toddler, how could I leave him? The question of leaving them went round and round in my mind. I did not, could not leave them, so here I am eighteen years on. They still need me, Tim more than ever. I have Toby too now, he's almost 15 years old. The child you did not live to see, I think you would love him, He's clever and witty like you. They are all clever. They are my reason for living. Living without you does not mean I miss you less, it does not mean I love you less. What it means is I chose to be a mother to my children over being with you. It was the hardest, most heartbreaking decision I have ever made. I miss you all the time. My darling gran you will always be the one I love. In the darkest dark your love shines brightly and so does mine for you.